is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
