I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
