i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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