Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
