Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're like the curious george of whores
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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