I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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