Pregnant stripper...not hot.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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