good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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