Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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