OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My vagina is very pro this idea
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
