The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
