I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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