he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
