If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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