I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
