My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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