It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
