I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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