The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
