it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
