I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
