I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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