I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
