you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
