Don't make out with my wife yet
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
