she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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