It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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