As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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