Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
