Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
