just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
