I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
