My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
