Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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