Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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