I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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