he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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