I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
