The beer is more important than you right now.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
