good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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