I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
