so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
