I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
