I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
