After last night, I could never be a politician.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
