Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
