my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
