I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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