i wish my penis had a tongue
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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