You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
