Can i not drive my cunt home
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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