new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize