i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
