I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
