I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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