Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
