I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
