Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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