I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
